On half-ness and white privilege

This piece was written by my partner, "Angry Asian Girl."

I am a half-white, half-Chinese woman who identifies as such: Hapa, the Hawaiian word for half, or “Amerasian,” the American Asian amalgam that sounds awkward at best.  I prefer to check two boxes, one for each half, or “Other” given no other option.  I am both  outside and a part of white and Chinese culture – granting me an unusual perspective into racial identities and white privilege. 

The saddest, most difficult part of my half-ness for me is the fact that I look more Chinese than not and yet can never blend seamlessly into Chinese culture because I don’t speak the language and I am too Americanized.  To white people, I look Chinese in addition to apparently looking Latina, Native American, Korean, and Japanese.  People in Chinatown know at once that I am half – my height alone gives that away.  The Chinese always feel comfortable asking what I am, and nod in satisfaction when I tell them.  They know, just as I know, that I am different.

White people are the most frustrating part of being hapa.  I am so comfortable in white culture that white friends often don’t recognize that there could be an issue of race in my life or in our friendship.  Too often, I can never make them understand my perspective when an issue of race is brought up, making me angry at ignorance I can’t blame them for.

What many white people probably don’t realize about people of color is that we talk about race and ethnicity all the time when they aren’t around.  I prefer to talk with other “twinkies” like myself – who are particularly aware of the problem of loving your white friends until they do something naïve or offensive.  The most common example in my own life is how white people fetishize Asian culture: the characters (the written language), the clothes, the food, the acupuncture, the martial arts, the women, the brush painting, and the philosophy.  I want to say to those collectors of all things Asian: “I am not your fetish.”

But for those of you who don’t see cultural appropriation as colonialism, and fetishization as stereotyping and lacking in historical awareness and respect, I’ll give a different example: I walk into a room of 500 white people and get the willies.  It makes me uncomfortable.  There, I said it, call me prejudiced.  Ask me why, and I couldn’t honestly tell you.  It’s like those commercials on TV about bladder problems, where the woman on the commercial feels like she walks into a room and everyone sees her problem even though it is hidden. The commercial illustrates this with a big board she is wearing around her neck proclaiming her bladder problem.  My problem is in the shape of my eyes and the color of my skin, so I don’t even have the benefit of it being hidden.

A good question that I often think about is: what do I think might happen in that room of 500 white people?  Probably nothing, I know how PC we are today.  That thought, however, doesn’t stop my awareness of the situation and my feelings of vulnerability. 

Someone recently asked me if I could pass as white, would I?  This struck me as particularly funny because I am friends with many white anti-racist activists who I believe would love to have a culture to be proud of.  And I am so proud of being Chinese and Swedish and German and French and Welsh.  I was struck again by thoughts of affirmative action and how during college admissions people acted as if you were so lucky to not be white. 

But the sad truth is that sometimes I do wish I could pass as white. In other parts of the country where the only Chinese people own a restaurant or in that room I was discussing previously, I feel like a target.  Other times it is because white people have to learn the consciousness that people of color are born with – that the standards of beauty, the interactions with the police, the food eaten, familial relations, the ideas of man and women that are considered “normal” are actually white norms.  Everyone else is doomed to be thought of in demeaning stereotypes.  Sometimes I wish I could wash the consciousness out of my brain and truly believe that we are all humans, all equal, all the same. 

To those of you who believe in sameness let me explain my thoughts this way: biologically we are all nearly identical, yes, but sociologically, historically, and legally we have been created unequal.  Simply, we are the oppressed and the oppressors.

Comments

[Dazjae]

Peace;)

Much respect for the honesty of the posting, and the writing of this. The more truthful dialogue there is, the sooner this can be cleared up.

I am an African/Kemetian (non imposed name for the country) and Canadian French chic, who would not pass for white if given the chance.
Superiority is nothing more than the state someone who feels inferior slips into to feel better.
The inferiority complex is still at the root of it.
I think the tall and the short is in the history.
Europe had no resources, and Europeans were a minority (still are if you think about it in global terms, despite the attempts at mass genocide of people of color). Lands where people of color reigned had precious ores and resources. To get the resources, certain strategies were developed (strategies like say...what's happening in Iraq---Get the massses riled up with a reason to invade another country or person and support has been given historically).

To overcome an "enemy" attacking that person's (or this case, race's) confidence is a strategy that has been employed historically, as well as demonizing them to cause people to fear them instead of love them. Humans crave love more than anything.
When you are feared you usually become defensive and begin to try to explain yourself and tell your story, including how you were attacked/scapegoated. This puts people to sleep and gains little to no sympathy. People of color are familiar with this condition. It has been imposed on them.

Until the person whose been demonized stops caring what other people think, they are enslaved by the game of being asked to "prove" themselves by the people who fear them or find them inferior due to whatever the current mythology is that has programmed the psyche.
People that are confident never prove themselves. They affirm who they are, and are Alpha's because they know who they are.
If your language and traditions have been ripped from you, painted over and denied you, it is reasonable there will be insecurity without the knowledge of who you are, but again, if you live in a society that doesn't support compassion or begrudgingly admits its errors, you will gain little sympathy.

Basically racism has been employed to stay on 'top'.
Prejudice of any kind is always used to make one person prosper at another's expense.
That's basically what we're dealing with.

I don't feel like less of a person because my skin is brown. The idea of it is a result of subconscious conditioning, but most people feed into it, because they are afraid to look like they're bitching and moaning, or they are afraid to offend white folks, even though there are plenty of white folks who do not approve of racism.
It's trained behavior on both sides of the 'color' fence.
The people who truly benefit from this chaos, are off somewhere with most of the money in the world, far removed from the economic effects, though they are not psychologically disturbed, they have control over people who buy into the propaganda they have laced through history and modern culture.

I believe giving into oppression by those who are racist, empowers the spirit of it.
Instead, creating conditions that affirm the beingness of any culture is the best way to go.
Don't dignify the tactic, and if need be call it for what it is head-on, as opposed to getting too defensive and losing sight of the bigger picture.

Feel under-represented? Create media outlets to represent.
In short, don't cower. 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself', is really the bottomline here.

I have spoken to my Caucasian mother candidly about the effects of PTSD, the ancestors of those Africans who were enslaved still deal with, and the effects of colonization on the world. It was uncomfortable at times, but she listened, and though she may not have been aware of some things, she did not try to defend racism.
I think it was only uncomfortable until she realized I wasn't saying that she was racist by confronting what Caucasians have historically done. I just wanted to be able to talk to her about the same things I might talk to my Hispanic friend about, or to an Asian girl I ran into at the grocery store, or a African at Starbuck's.

It's possible to be of color, and stand for who we are, be candid, without need for aggression to resolve the issues at hand.

Unity is possible or what would the point be from a spiritual standpoint?

All it takes is awareness.
Self Love is awareness. Not one of the "races" have achieved it culturally yet.
When a person loves themself, they have no need to feel superior to another.
Not one group of humans on this Earth can say that they have achieved that, because if such were the case, racism would not have the power it has gathered.
It has touched every group because someone let it in along the line. It was formed out of envy and covetousness.
The need to "be better" or be priveledged allowed it to spread and grow in Asia, Africa, America, and well... in all the known lands to some extent. It's documented historically. The darkskinned versus lightskinned trick was used just about everywhere, just like the man vs. woman tactic.

We all have work to do.

I consider myself a black woman, a person of color. By all standards I am one. My skin is Earth brown, and I am not ashamed of my African ancestry.

Much Respect&Appreciation
-Dazjae